Tough Love or Unconditional Support? Parenting the Struggling Young Adult
By Jack Vaughan
As the parent of a young adult who is struggling with substance abuse, mental health challenges, or other risky behaviors, you’ve likely agonized over how best to handle the situation. Do you crack down with rigid rules and consequences meant to force them into better choices (often called “tough love”)? Or, do you offer unconditional support, trusting the process while keeping necessary boundaries in place?
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to wellness. At Youth Prevention Mentors (YPM), we tailor our services to fit the unique needs of each and every family that we serve. Our evidence-based and bespoke programs empower families to find the optimal balance between compassion and accountability, while upholding loving boundaries so that real transformations can unfold.
The Pitfalls of Too Much “Tough Love”
Many well-intentioned parents adopt an unwavering “tough love” stance, refusing to rescue their young adult from the consequences of their continued poor choices. At times, this can be a beneficial measure to take and can show your young adult what your boundaries are. However, as a blanket policy, such measures do not allow for much nuance. The rationale tends to be, “If I don’t bail them out when things get bad, then they’ll hit bottom more quickly and finally decide to straighten up and make something of their life!”
However, research clearly shows that withdrawing support altogether frequently backfires, actually increasing harmful behaviors and trapping struggling young people in a destructive shame and secrecy cycle.
There are several reasons why rigid and punitive measures don’t always work as planned:
Young people often don’t intentionally “choose” to make poor decisions that devastate their health, hopes and future ambitions. Their brains literally aren’t wired yet to accurately assess risks and rewards like a full-grown adult. Substances, in particular, are especially good at hijacking developing brains, and making it physiologically impossible to just “wise up” by sheer willpower.
Too much tough love can inadvertently layer shame and condemnation on top of your young adults struggles, which often reinforces secrecy, distrust, and miscommunication. This can cause a young person to retreat further into their unhealthy habits.
However, when struggling young people realize that they have emotional support, advocacy and compassion on their side, it can help them find a better path.
The Dangers of Enabling
On the other hand, some parents swing too far in the unconditional support direction. In the name of “being there” for their struggling child, they inadvertently shield them from any consequences at all. This enabling approach can be highly detrimental and prolong progress for months, if not years.
Enabling happens when parents repeatedly rescue their young adult from the outcomes of their unhealthy behaviors, long past the time when tough love seemed sensible. For example, letting them stay rent-free indefinitely in your home while abusing substances and applying minimal effort toward work, schooling, and self-sufficiency.
Such dynamics often emerge out of a desire to forestall any serious consequences, for fear that such an action would drive a child away. Naturally, efforts to reduce suffering are understandable, but they can’t come at the expense of the health of the family system. Enabling often has the unintended effect of absolving struggling young people from the responsibilities required to launch young adults into adulthood.
Accountability (or the lack thereof) becomes the central issue – when overly-permissive parents don’t uphold appropriate consequences and boundaries, their young adults fail to develop the resilience and maturity required for independent thriving.
Walking the Tightrope Between Support and Boundaries
As with so many facets of life, balance is paramount. Learn to nurture your son or daughter’s emotional needs while also introducing healthy boundaries meant to teach real-world coping abilities and resilience. By shifting patterns of enabling and excessively punitive responses into the middle ground, you can help your young adult child grow by leaps and bounds..
Try taking an honest inventory of behaviors you may unconsciously reinforce despite your good intentions. Do you issue stern warnings about consequences but then repeatedly backtrack on following through? Are you so gripped trying to eradicate their symptoms of struggle that you inadvertently inhibit their self-efficacy? Try to identify such patterns and work to reset them.
Have candid, non-judgmental conversations about behavioral changes that will encourage more mutual responsibility in your relationship going forward. State clearly what forms of tangible support you can reasonably offer and define what accountable behaviors you need to see in return.
Most importantly, emphasize that your love and commitment to their ultimate wellbeing will never waver, no matter how many mistakes happen along the way. Offer reassurance that as they practice showing up for themselves diligently, you’ll keep showing up for them in sustainable ways too. Then take small collaborative steps forward without expecting perfection.
Healing Happens in the Context of Relationships
Unhealthy coping behaviors don’t exist inside of a vacuum. Nor can life skills, emotional resilience and wellbeing be built alone. We all thrive through meaningful and supportive connections with others. Safe relationships characterized by compassion, trust and secure attachments lay the foundation.
There is no amount of tough love that can force the deep spiritual healing required to overcome addiction and mental health disorders and no parent can eliminate their young adult child’s struggles through loving benevolence alone. But when you enforce reasonable boundaries and provide enduring compassion, you walk a fine line that will someday help your struggling young adult learn to run.
At YPM, we are proud to have helped hundreds of families enforce the right boundaries and move past the struggles of their children. If you are the parent of a struggling young adult or adolescent, our team is here to provide you with best-in-class support.
Connect with us today to learn more about how our family coaching program can help your family find the optimal tough love/support balance. With our bespoke, round-the-clock support, you and your struggling young adult can learn to communicate openly, set mutually agreeable boundaries, and recalibrate your relationship with one another.